This piece is meant to be unkind even when any resemblance to characters living (or dead) is just a matter of intended coincidence. 😉
You were my four years of remembrance that deceived me at once.
You taught me how some humans carry a taste for breaking hearts.
You liked black but ended up learning from me, how blur is a beautiful color too.
You made me Whatsis and I made you immortal. Since then, I’ve had inked you in my sketches and placed you in between my verses, but you left me on the darkest side of this world.
I think it was your ex-es who finally broke your courage, but I will always hate you for your cowardice to block me. I guess to teach my children of greed, I’ll tell them how you then called me up one night to seek help.
Even though you were the rage of my first shot of hormones I will remember you as my salvation, 17 candles wishing you peace and light at your demise.
You had me trapped inside the fence of the smile.
I wish, we would not have happened.
Naan paithiyamai thurathi nen, onnoda uncertainties-a nambikkai udan mudichu vaika… naan onnoda yeppodum irrupen. Apporam, onothu illamai udan yenai aachiriyam pada vaithai. Irunthalum, naan onothu noki nadanthukonde irunden, onnai yennodaya palavinam oda karanam yendru payar vaithain. Ithai naan yeppadi marappain, ni yennodaya muthal mutham aanalum naan unnodathu illai?
[I have chased insanity to tie your uncertainties with knots of beliefs that I will always be there for you. You then surprised me with your lack.
Still, I kept on walking towards you and named you as the reason for my weakness.
How can I forget, when you were my first kiss even when I was not yours?]
You were the chaos that these hands could never draw on a canvas, yet you were the only hope of my sunken ship.
I could never meet you, but you taught me that it was okay to exchange nakedness online. While we stayed together, I was at times horrified to death, thinking how could you be real.
I wish I could have let you know when my fear took over my romance.
Du warst ein Betrüger.
Trotzdem, ziemlich schön.
[You were a cheat.
Still, quite a beautiful one.]
No love, No Glory,
You are not the only refugee of my story.
I’ve crushed many before you under my selfishness.
I have licked their blood just to drink parts of the beauty they carried. You just seemed to have met me at a very wrong time. I hope at least you can now rest your pieces all together.
I have no words for you other than the ones that prize you with the blame for making me your victim.
You were hearts melted in the long silent stares, the sound of clothes thrown on the floor while we made love, wildly. You introduced me as a clown, a bait for the circus you owned. There, I performed all of my tricks for you, not realizing that you used me for your laughter.
I’m glad I didn’t even get a chance to bid you farewell.
The day I outgrow your kindness, I will fall on my knees and seek an apology.
You taught me that a heart bends before breaking apart.
So, I stretched yours beyond the human limits and folded it to rest my head on it. I hushed down its beating like a parasite selling life away from its home.
You made me learn to hear only treason in a confession. You laid a shrine of sin inside my heart and whispered all its hymn in my ears. Still, I took you by your hand and went on worshipping you under the sky of million stars.
I wish cancer hadn’t taken you away.
Tumi amaye bole chhile je bhalobasha uposthiti r baire.
Ami tomaye message kori, tumi uttor dao na.
Ami tomar jonno likhi, kintu tomar kachhe porar shomoy neyi.
[You told me love was beyond presence, yet you don’t like to talk to me anymore.
I still message you, but you leave me on read.
I still write to you, but you never have to read.]
If I had to change you,
I’ve had to change myself.
You were my muse but I don’t need you.
You made me a poet, while I made you my definition of the word, beauty.
You made me believe how I was meant to give more love than I was ever to get back, for love can never be a possession that will cover our sins from our nakedness. Holy heaven, you made me a man who now realizes the worthiness of time.
I have written you, more than hundred thousands of words. I’ve grown with each alphabet to let you know guilt walks a long way. I’m glad I waited years for you and finally ended you with these letters.
All our apologies stole the beauty we carried.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t call you more often, I’m sorry that you turned my love into an apology when yours turned into anger. I’m sorry I could just offer you words when situations stripped us naked.
At least you were the only one who stood by me, shoulder to shoulder, taking responsibility that we ruined us.
I must tell you that I know of a place where a supernova meets a black hole, somewhere time stops altogether. Eight years from now, I will meet you there. Till then, I hope you find a love that you cannot uproot.
At last, guilt managed.
Mi sono innamorato cotto te a prima vista.
Lo prego ancora per la tua felicità.
[I fell head over heels at the first sight.
I still pray for your happiness.]
You taught me about shooting stars.
The ones that are not capable of carrying the weight of our expectations.
You said that they could never fix this world and then you got married breaking apart mine.
I’m glad that galaxies died for your existence.
I hope you know that in front of my selfless love, your soul will always be finite.
Your knight in shining armor.
Meri pyaari Zaaisha,
Ye qalam ab bhi tham sa jaata hain,
Nashe mein toot kar sheese sa bikhar sa jaata hain,
Silsile-è-maslahto ki qabaro par,
Ye rukhsat-è-raftan karne waalo ko tere kisse suna jaata hain.
Jab tune dekha he nahi,
Rago mein utarti mere syahi zehar-è-judai ki,
Tujhe kya he pata hain,
Tanashahi tere diye tanhai-è-jakhmo ki.
[Silsile-è-maslahto – Events of compromises
rukhsat-è-raftan – Request for departure]
What words will ever be enough to let them know that I was at fault when I mistook your refuge, for my cure?
Some nights, I still trace back your lip prints from the love bites you left for me to carry on my chest. You made me scratch my skin to remove your ruins.
Prema ki kuda bhasha untundhani nuvve naaku nerpinchav. Nuvvu, naa chethulu cheyyani paapam laa undipoyav ani ippatiki aanandistha.
Endhukante aa paapam kanuka chesi unte ninnu kalisina roju nunchi naa kosam roju nene prathinchukovalsi vachedhi.
[You were the first one to teach me that love knows of language. You were the sin I’m glad my hands didn’t commit for I had to pray for myself ever since I met you.]
I asked you for a pen, and in return, you made me write a love letter. So, I wrote about all the night rain falls here, whenever you are gone.
About how words held me when your fingers couldn’t.
I know, I made your heart skip beats.
I know, my words made you realize your worth.
I know, the letter was torn long before it could feel your skin.
Kadhahikkum paruvangal irruku endru ennaku katrukoduthaai
Vasandha kaalam unnaku naan endral, ennaku ennai segal izhuka vaikum kutirkaalam nee
Unnul kaadhal poolea cheiden naan, naan vazhum kaaranathai nasukinaai nee.
[You taught me that love had its seasons.
I was your spring and you were my winter.
While I made love bloom inside you, you murdered my will to live.
You were my favorite faded fantasy.
You told me that my arrogance made love with your attitude whenever I told you that money doesn’t love you.
You tricked me into buying our happiness.
You broke me.
Tu m’avais dit que ça ne s’était jamais passé.
Même j’espérais que ça n’a jamais été le cas.
Ensuite, vous avez quitté.
Le temps n’a épargné aucun de nous.
[I kissed you.
You told me that it never happened.
Even I hoped it never had.
Then you moved away.
Time spared none of us.]
You used to come to me with the most beautiful smile and sit beside. You’ve had your lips locked on mine as I opened first your bun and then the first two buttons of your shirt.
I think you still like tasting me like I miss breathing you.
I hope, something much better awaits you.
Violence is the language that I will never be proud of knowing word by word so don’t try to explain why you raped me.
How dare you then took a step forward and dressed me naked in your pride?
I had always gifted you seeds, water and soil just to celebrate your light.
All the hearts that I’ve won are because of my words, please don’t ever try to take that away from me.
I have grown out of the idea of love. I might not even come your way so don’t waste your time waiting for me.
I want you to learn to wander but while doing so if you meet me someday then I wish to teach you about grace and patience. I will tell you that sometimes gentleness breaks it all apart and as the history speaks for itself, I might probably never buy you gifts but write letters that will leave you wordless. So, I will tie my tongue with yours and let our wounds talk to each other.
You will hold your breaths in my absence just to save them for the time we spend together and my kisses will make a masterpiece out of you. I will smudge your shades of colors and trace life blooming inside you. We will count our moments, place them under our beds hoping they will keep alive the sparks that ignite the fire between us.
Remember not all that glows matters, not all that fade hurts. So, I hope even if I could not be your firsts, I will be your lasts.
In you, I will find gravity.
Drown, Dream and Devour.
Credits for helping me out in translations:
Bengali – Oishika,
Tamil – Akshaya, Ramkishore
Telugu – Gayatri